Tuesday, April 3, 2007

the bachelor

I shamefully confess to recording The Bachelor: An Officer & a Gentleman, and I more sheepishly admit to watching it the night of its premiere. Five minutes into the premiere, however, I was taking notes. This program is a sarcastic blogger's dream! The highlights for those of you too sensible (or silly) to watch:

-During the opening montage history of Andy's (the Bachelor) life, we are treated to a discolored photograph from young Andy in the early 1980's with his family, beaming while clutching a Cabbage Patch doll. What looks to his brother also hugs a CPd while grinning.

-If this man was not coached for reality television editing, I would be amazed. He is all flowery language and smiles. He meets the contenders on his 30th birthday. Without prompting he waxes poetically, "People always ask if you did something special on your birthday. What could be more special than this? I may be meeting my future wife tonight."

-Blakeney, a 29-year-old Alabama girl, opines "The Southern girl always off a little bit deeper and a little bit more true." She later drinks so much champagne she falls off her bar stool.

-I squeal a little to see a cute 22-year-old from Lawrence, Kansas. Andy even endears himself to me a little when he immediately responds, "Jayhawks!" Lindsey then confesses she's actually a Duke fan! As I scream at her through the television, I conclude she is crazy.

-Bevin, who initially seemed quite normal and I actually liked, tells Andy she's also quite athletic, "look at all these scars I have." (insert good editing - have they been watching The Amazing Race?) "You're going to like me because I like to get beat up."

-Social worker Tessa leads with a heart-wrenchingly awful joke about muffins that involved the lines "it's getting hot in here" and the other muffin responding "Whoa, a talking muffin!" Awkward.

-Linda, who has creepily perky eyes and a rather unfortunate face, says, "I kind of leave a lasting impression even though I don't mean to." She did not get a rose.

-Medical student Tina saying, "I know I'm not the prettiest girl here, and I don't have the best dress on, but I thought if I could show a little bit of talent, he'd remember me." She then sang the Star-Spangled Banner, which brought Andy to tears. I do applaud the patriotic lad for crying openly on national television during the same hour of television he openly hugged a Cabbage Patch doll. He then led a standing ovation for her, and I had to roll my eyes and ask if anyone is really that patriotic, even a Navy officer. Kudos again to the editors for panning straight to Tina during the rose ceremony introduction when Andy thanked all of the beautiful women for coming. I admit, I too, teared up a little point at Tina getting a rose.

-Andy: "Not only are they gorgeous, but they have careers!" Andy, part of me wants to like you, but you are making it quite difficult. "They have graduate degrees, and the night is still young!" Okay, redemption for thinking graduated degrees are the start to a fun night.

-Andy: "Out of 25 women, how ironic is it that one of them has my same birthday?" It's actually not ironic at all, Andy, but it is quite coincidental. The ensuing drama of the contenders begrudging the birthday girl for having a rose locked up was amusing. If I were a betting woman, I would imagine the next season of The Bachelor would feature a slew of women claiming the first night is their birthday.

-Two drunk contenders decided to make Andy a birthday cake to stand apart from the crowd. Upon discovering there were no eggs, "Do you wanna use tequila instead of eggs?" It was, of course, the ugliest cake ever but very funny to witness.

-Andy: "There are definitely women in there who I can see myself being with the rest of my life and having our children." I will overlook the misuse of who (whom), but the misuse of plural is a great Mormon joke in the making!

-As the rose ceremony wound down, the ones left roseless were a mixture of sad, pissed off and optimistic. It makes one wonder what those ladies are looking for.

-Duke-fan Lindsey proved me right by walking out of the rose ceremony when she didn't get one. Reality tv gold followed as she kept asking to go home alternating between trying to talk to producers and talking straight into the camera: "I don't give a fuck. I don't care. It's fake and stupid," as the tears stream down her face. Someone please cast her in something else. She is fabulous.

So the first episode comes to an end. I might actually make it through a season of The Bachelor for the first time ever. I am slightly curious to see whom Andy proposes to, but mostly I want to see all the drama.

Also, the Sports Guy's wife, Sports Gal is covering The Bachelor for Page 2. Check out her blog at http://sports.espn.go.com/espn/page2/story?page=bachelor/review1

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